Tom Tom is a Dumb Dumb

"WHERE THE F*&@ AM I???" I barked at my husband over the cell phone one beautiful, sunny day in Cornwall.

The poor man was a bit startled at my bitchy, explosive tone and knew I was on the verge of tears.

"Your STUPID, frigen GPS has brought me somewhere and I have NO idea where I am!"

 "Darling, where are you?" he responded calmly.

Did I not just explain that?

"Well, according to your STUIPID GPS I've arrived at my destination." I barked back. "However, according to what I see I'm stopped, in the middle of a street, in some random neighborhood, in some town."

"What town?"

"I don't know. If I knew I would tell you."

"Darling you didn't type in the correct address."

"Yes I did I typed in the postcode from the internet" I snapped back.

"But darling it doesn't recognize that postcode b/c it's a new building and it's an older GPS. I told you that earlier."

"Fine. I'm going home. and now i have no time to shop for your party this weekend so i guess you will have to shop and than make everything yourself".

Click. I hung up.

For those of you who are not familiar with the GPS (Global Positioning System) in order to arrive at your destination you must punch an address or postcode into the little computer that sits on your dashboard. It theoretically guides you, step by step, by speaking directions as you drive.  There is also a little map on the screen you can look at to see where you are in relation to where you are going.

However, if you have an older GPS , such as my husband, it does not recognize any roads or buildings which have sprung up after its creation.  

The most daunting experience I have had with this GPS was about two weeks ago when I had to schlep to Exeter to pick up my family at a train station two hours away. Where do you suppose the GPS took my daughter and I? To a deserted road, outside of the "city" (I use this term loosely. To be considered a city in my book there must be at least 1 million inhabitants. It seems in this country to be considered a city there must be at least 1,000 inhabitants) where we were supposed to be. It was also 8:15pm, pitch dark, no lights on this "road" nor any sign of life. A very unsettling experience. I ended up calling my father-in-law for help.  I should have tossed that stupid little out-of-date gizmo out the window at that point.

My husband is obsessed with that stupid thing. He takes it everywhere. 

The problem I"ve experienced is that I turn into a zombie behind the wheel, boppin to British pop music while Homer Simpson, John Cleese or some random british woman guide me to my destination (these are the voices in you know whose GPS) rather than paying attention to where I"m going or even guiding my own lazy ass to my destination. 

The result? living in my new environment for six weeks and having NO bloody idea how to get from my home to anywhere more than two miles from my house!

Part of the fun of getting somewhere you have never been is getting yourself there, and lost, along the way.

I remember when my daughter and I moved to Oman. Our first morning we woke up, got in the car, and headed to the grocery store. I frantically stopped at every gas station along the way (two, precisely) in search of a map. 

 Sure, we got lost on the two mile trip home. For a long time. And Emily cried. And I freaked out. But that was FUN! Now looking back I'll never forget that first morning adventure together. 

What did I do on my first solo car ride here in Cornwall? I got in the car, put Tom Tom (the stupid GPS even has a nickname) on, started driving on the wrong side of the road and zoned out. 

The old cliche holds true: trust your instincts. If I had trusted my instincts and tried to navigate my way around my new locale I would not be in this predicament now, nor would I have blown my diet upon arriving home from such a stressful journey today!  Damn you Bunny and your stupid toys!

I did manage to come to grips with the situation this afternoon. I calmed myself down, drove out of the random 'hood I was in, stopped and asked somebody for directions and successfully arrived at my destination.

When I sent my husband a victory text message he immediately called (I also informed him on the text that I tossed the GPS out the window) and asked how I did it, and of course if I really tossed Tom Tom.

"I stopped and asked for directions." I proudly replied.

"What? I would have been too scared to do that" he said. 

  "Hmmmm, that explains your dependence on little computers who speak" I retorted.